Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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