how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
