don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
