Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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