we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
