I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
