Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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