I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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