just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
