Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
