Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
