I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
