sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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