I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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