Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
