He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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