Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
