I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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