Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
