my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
