I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
