I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
