Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just took my morning after pill in the library
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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