Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
