You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
