my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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