Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
