A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
