dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
