You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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