If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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