apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this