just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage