Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
