Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
