Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can you bring me the toilet please
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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