Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
