I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
