She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How does it feel to date your dad?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
