I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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