When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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