I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
