Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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