My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
