And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
