your parents love me but you hate me
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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