That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
