My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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