i think my mom watched the whole time
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
two words: eviction party
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
did i walk over a car last night?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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