I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
