what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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