How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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