I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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