well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
