Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
