So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
