So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
